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Monday, 06 September 2010

messages deleted

i've had my sony erricsson k800i for i think around 3 years now. and being a person very prone to nostalgia, i tend not to delete some messages. you know THOSE messages. those messages that were right on, sent by special people at the right time and meant a lot. those, that you don't want to forget. those you don't want to delete, just in case you might want to read it again. those messages remind you stuff, of good memories.

on the other hand, they also remind you of people you've lost touch with, of what you once had and now you don't. sometimes when i read an old message and look back, i realize things that i couldn't grasp back then. sometimes i think about the events that transpired, and how i might have handled things differently.

pleasant or not, all those messages are now part of the past. sometimes we try to hold on to things when it's better if we let go. sometimes the nice thing to do is not the best thing to do. sometimes it's fine to stop caring.

like my inbox, i was full. so i hit the button, DELETE ALL MESSAGES.

catharsis.

Sunday, 24 January 2010

TORPE

and so i'll know by friday. don't know for sure if this is going to be a mistake or not.

i don't like feeling this restless. here i am again, taking a chance. i guess all those years still haven't given me enough maturity on how to deal with situations like these.

i wish the world would stop. so i can think it over, plan it out, and be able to do what needs to be done.
the world doesn't stop though. it never did and never will. even if i tried, it will just go on without me.
if i wait too long to make this decision, it will just pass me by.
this can't wait any longer.

what's so bad about saying the truth?
but what if my heart is playing tricks on me?
but what if i lose a valued friendship along the way?
but what if i turn out to be the fool again?

i will never know until i try and do something about it.
i'd rather go for it and know,
than do nothing and NOT KNOW.

so on friday, i'll lay it all. and it'll be up to her what will happen next.

PS: today, i was able to chat with people i haven't with in a while (kotoe, chrisette, ryke). :)
dang i'm losing sleep over this. i have dance rehearsals later!

Monday, 04 January 2010

Today I woke up just in time for lunch. The room felt cold and silent, and though I've rested enough I didn't want to move a muscle. It's the last day of Christmas vacation. Tomorrow classes start again.

I ate a lot last night (actually I've eaten a lot these holidays) so I wasn't feeling hungry yet. No rush. At that moment, I was content at simply staring at the wall.

After several minutes of spacing out I finally remembered the errands Mama asked me to do for today before I go back to UP. With a sudden sense of purpose, I jumped off the double-deck I share with my sister.

No wonder it was quiet. Glo Ann already went ahead to UP (I guess she went early so she can meet up with her new boyfriend), Rose Jude already has classes in the local high school, and Mama was off to work to teach in a local elementary school. Rev, my 6 year-old brother was on the computer uploading pics on facebook(yeah he does that) and our helper was just outside doing laundry.

I woke up my baby brother, I have to accompany him get a haircut.
I grabbed the empty cartridge on our printer, I had to bring it to the ink refilling station.

A few hours later, me and Rev were in a convenience store to grab a bite. haha.. Mainly because we forgot to eat before leaving the house. It was full of people and activity outside the house. Yet sitting there with Rev, I hardly noticed that. Today is my last day of vacation. Today time runs slow. Let the stress and noise come tomorrow.

We just stayed there and I was content at talking to my little bro about anything he wanted to share. He really talks mature for his age, we talked about bullies in school, his crush and other stuff. As an aspiring future english teacher, he makes-up some words sometimes. He said we were "late twins", by that he means he thinks we are twins but he just went out late. haha.. He said he thinks so because whenever he looks at our baby pictures, he couldn't tell if it was me or him. :) I wish we could stay longer, but well we still had stuff to do and besides we're done eating anyways so we headed home.

If this was a micro blog it would just have said "Ver Anthony Odevilas just spent his last day of vacation doing errands." But then I guess that wouldn't tell you much right? Anyways, It's starting to get dark. I have to pack my stuff now and go back to the boarding house in Quezon City.

I hope you guys are doing fine. :) Happy New Year!

Thursday, 01 October 2009

crashes and gashes

In the same day, two people who are very close and important to me had a hell of a day.

Okay so the day began with me and my sister heading out to help in the relief operations for our fellow Filipinos who suffered from the storm Ondoy. We live in Muntinlupa but went to different relief centers. I went to UP Diliman in Quezon City coz i needed to pick some things up from my boarding house. My sister Glo Ann went to ATC in Alabang coz she also needed to run some errands near the place for my mom. In the Muntinlupa-Alabang jeep, my sister witnessed how the man beside her snatched the bag of the girl to his left. With everyone dumbfounded, the snatcher easily escaped as he quickly crossed the street. My sister was lucky the guy didn't choose her, the girl to his right! But it wasn't over yet. After meeting up with his boyfriend, my sister went on to Pasay to pay some bills. Guess what? The jeep she was riding crashed against another jeepney. Fortunately, no one was seriously injured. Dang.. two consecutive mishaps. Glo Ann and her boyfriend Herald spent the rest of the day helping out in the relief center in ATC.

I only learned about what happened to my sister when she told me about when i got home later that night. So I went on with my day oblivious to her mishaps. I dropped off some goods at the relief station and signed up for volunteer work. There were many volunteers there, but not enough goods and transpo to accomodate everyone. Realizing that I wasn't needed much and convinced that I'd just help out the following day, I instead went to my part-time work in Greenhills as a tutor to Korean high school students together with Maan Adorable. Maan and I were classmates in 2nd year high school and we got reconnected through a common subject in UP this semester. She's great company and we just get along so well that I consider her as one my closest friends now. Whenever we go home from work, I usually accompany her until she's just a few minutes walk away from her house in Timog. But last night I had to come home here in Muntinlupa and not in my boarding house in UP so we parted ways in MRT Santolan around 9:30pm. We always send text messages to let each other know if we're safe at home already, so after Maan didn't reply from two of my messages by 11:00pm, I felt something was wrong. The first thing I did when I arrived home at 11:30pm was to check if she was online. When she wasn't, I was already panicking as I tried to call her phone. She still wasn't anwering so i called her other number, to which her sister answered and when she passed the phone to Maan, all I heard was her voice breaking into a cry. It was pure sorrow and torture for me. Later on, Maan was finally able to send me messages and she told me that along the street of their house, a guy in a car tried to snatch her bag. She didn't let go. She escaped with her life, and her bag, but with abrasions all over.

So sad. I know that some things just happen and that you had no way of foreseeing and do anything about it. But still I really feel responsible for this. It was really a rollercoaster ride of emotions today. Feeling depressed because of the calamity caused by the storm, then feeling uplifted after seeing all the overwhelming support and how this tragedy united us Filipinos. Another great day spent with one of my bestest buddies, but then it was spoiled by some evil evil evil people who just don't care for anything but themselves.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

the habit of not doing

these past months i have been a coward. and the worse side of my nonconfrotational-optimist nature, my weaknesses got the better of me.

take my landscape architecture class for example. i haven't attended class since our last exam. i knew i had exceeded the 6 absences limit and even though our teacher doesn't check attendance i knew that i simply had missed too many classes. so i sat there, waiting for the teacher to arrive. i didn't dare enter the room. instead, i waited outside until one of my classmates went out of the room. i approached her and she told me the class is going to watch video presentations, the class' final project, equivalent to a final exam. i didn't know about that.

that's how i confirmed that i failed the subject.

it's a vicious cycle. it's denial coupled with the worst kind of procrastination. it starts subtly. being late for a class, because i had to cram for a paper i had to submit during class hours.. then not going to class because i'm 30 minutes late already.. the next thing i know, i'm so far behind, can't catch up, and too ashamed to go to class. it is checking the class online group everyday and not attending it. it is the half-hearted studying for an exam you know with almost certainty you'll fail. it is losing sleep over your anxiety, and not waking up in time. it is the reinforcing feeling of defeat, the habit of not doing... until you start to wonder if you really can. i have become a poor judge of time and to the limits of my abilities.

for those who don't understand, they see it simply as laziness. but it's more of being not in charge of your life and letting unbridled fear and doubt take over. it is being irrational and irresponsible.

i'm trying to cope and learn, mistake fater mistake, backslide after backslide. i've been trying to surround myself with familiar faces, family and friends. i've been doing activities that revitalize and help me focus.. not just those that make me forget and deal with my apprehensions and frustrations. i'm trying to keep things simple, the way it should be. i think i'm starting to feel like my self again.

though my mind screams that it's too late, i desperately hope i'm not doomed to fail. i've long been waitng for a wake-up call or saving grace. i guess i'll just have to do without it coz if i wait any further there won't be anything left to save.